You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
