I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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