the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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