4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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