dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
