Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
