I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
