it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
