i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
