yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
