can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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