Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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