i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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