I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
