why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
