Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
