Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
