I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
We just shotgunned beers for America
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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