who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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