So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I deserve to be covered in dicks
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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