I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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