Are we in a gay sports bar?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
