How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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