Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
