So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
