I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
