you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
