i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
