I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
