That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
