You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
