Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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