my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
