Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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