what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
