Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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