I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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