I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
