You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
