TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
My underwear smells like fireworks.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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