In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
