I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
She's the barista slut.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
