grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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