Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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