the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
