Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
