did i walk over a car last night?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
