Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
