My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
she looked like the before picture.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
