3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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