He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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