it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
