This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
