i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
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